please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
