But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
