i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm bleeding and have questions
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
