Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
