You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
