dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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