So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize