im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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