I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
