i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
