he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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