Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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