so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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