I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
