Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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