I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My vagina is very pro this idea
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