Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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