Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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