I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
