I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
