What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
