I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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