i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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