She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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