never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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