fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
