My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
