Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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