Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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