I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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