I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
