Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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