Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
