i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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