That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
