I feel like I'm in dance class right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
