im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
