Please, let me fuck your mom
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
