woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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