I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
