I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
