no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
