i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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