6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
