My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
