meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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