Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
