if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
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