she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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