new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
