I'm lost and stupid without you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
