when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
