I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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