youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
