I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
