Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
false alarm, still single
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