The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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