just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
