Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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