walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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